pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
*strokes your eyebrows the wrong way while your sleeping
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It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Abra abracadabra. I wanna reach out and stab ya.
I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, “Optimus Prime? Your table for 5 is ready!”
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.