Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
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COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”