*strokes your eyebrows the wrong way while your sleeping

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pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.


It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.


Abra abracadabra. I wanna reach out and stab ya.


I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, “Optimus Prime? Your table for 5 is ready!”


Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.


Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.


He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.


A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.


If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.