(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
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What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.