(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
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When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.