(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
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7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.