strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
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interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.