Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
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my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made