Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
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I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
There are no pants in heaven.
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]