Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
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I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
😂🤣😂🤣
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly