Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
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Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Doctors texting each other.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
How funny!
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.