Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
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a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Tremendous stuff
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”