[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
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My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
PDF: *pops up at 176%*
Why are you yelling at me
This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???
“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”
“A hiss-drawn carriage”
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
concern
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
