Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”

[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]

boss: can you cook nights

a dragon: yes

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

Meowchelangelo

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

No, Karen ….

Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly

me: whoa you think I’m buff?

them: no, we said buffoon

eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.