[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
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[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.