*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
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I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Breaking news:
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers