Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times

ME: *reads war and peace*

SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?