*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
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“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
