“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
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yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy