“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
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Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit