“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
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(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.