Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.

It made walls invisible, too.

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?

J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

Calories in one pistachio: 4

Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753

Take that, kale.

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.

Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

Netflix and you sit over there.

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.