Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯

Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.

Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

me: i trained my dog to talk

her: let’s see

me: describe sandpaper

dog: ruff

me: the outer layer of a tree

dog: bark

her: this sucks

me: that little rapper guy

dog: bow wow

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

People say “Home is where the heart is”.

Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.

Idiots.

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

“Man, what’s eating you today?

*looks down*

I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

WIFE: I’m leaving you

ME: oh no what happened?

WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore

ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this

WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-

ME: it must not have saved!

WIFE:

ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.