Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me

Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me

What do you call a group of musical killer whales?

An orca-stra.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.

*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?

Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*

[creation]

PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal

GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks

P: WTF dude are you serious

G: lmfao yeah bro

P:

G:

P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords

G:

P:

G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

me: stop calling me names!

bully: shut up names

“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.

I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that

ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.