@eedrk

[struts into party on stilts just as everyone starts talking about how they hate stilts. i try to turn around but careen over onto the cake]

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@bornmiserable

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

@Joshuawbenson

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.

@Xalqee

As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu

@shariv67

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

@TheTweetOfGod

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

@MandiAtRandom

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

@iRowlf

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

@iLikeCatShirts

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

@lovemydogduck

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?

@OtherDanOBrien

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip