*struts into the new year
~ trips
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what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*