Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.

I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”

and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.

but they meant Will and Kate ☠️

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

Finally!

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner