Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

Best spot.. 😅

wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me

me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon

w: I despise you

Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*

Me:

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.

When can I start eating bats again.

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

23. the denim jacket

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.