What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
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“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
“you changed” bro i was 15
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid