Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
You Might Also Like
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?