STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
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This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Damn he played himself
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
