Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

Those are NOT normal gifts

-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas

What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?