People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
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just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol