Stubhub wants a bailout? Tell them we’ll give them 2 million but after fees it will only be $10.

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RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is


I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.


[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL


Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.


I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.


My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.


ME: This car’s perfect except for one thing
WIFE: Yes, there’s no room for the childre-
ME: [finds cup holder] lol I was wrong, it’s perfect