Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.

Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.

The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.

“why is millennial humor so weird?”

it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.