Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.

DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

New trend:

“Haunting”

It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.

This came to me in a dream.

I really had high hopes for this year though

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit