[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
You Might Also Like
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Yep.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Breaking news:
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?