Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

wishing you and yours all the best

[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.

I illegally download music, but only Metallica.

They seem to be pretty cool about it.

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”

*goes to Walmart*

*goes to Target*

*flies across world*

*takes train*

*rides in car*

*hikes highest mountain*

*gets to Guru*

Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?

I’m giving up for Lent.

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

what?

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

Phone

Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*

Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?

Me: A spider bit me

P: What kind?

Me: The dead now kind.

“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.