Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!

Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me

“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room

Knock Knock

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.

[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!

I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

No flush

Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself