*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
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WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.