*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
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Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
My five year plan is a meteorite
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…