Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

selena gomez

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*

The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.

Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?

A: You rocket!

#HatDadJoke

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

Me: What do you want for your birthday?

12yo: I don’t know

Me, jokingly: Drugs?

12yo: Nah, too expensive

Me: