Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!

Her: We’ve never met.

Me: That long huh?

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

I bet i could still be a stuntman

[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]

Okay maybe not

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”

A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”

A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

*Dresses up as a large butter knife

Im a super spreader

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile