[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
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5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.