Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:

“The meeting’s cancelled.”

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.

My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

Admin smashed it 😂

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

Ha.

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

[whispering to my son before he sits on santa’s lap] if you ask him to stop my hair from thinning I’ll let you drive on the way home

no exceptions