Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.

Alexa; make it look like an accident

[Pet store]

Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”

Me: “You can’t prove that.”

*My purse starts barking*

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵

Wife: please stop eating so much salt.

Me: why?

Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.

Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?

Wife: [pours more salt on my food].

i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh

I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.

Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.

Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

Once again, I was not nominated for an Oscar this morning for acting my way through life.

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.

honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.