Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
You Might Also Like
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
sure, why not
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
The news
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy