Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
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People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.