Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
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*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
Bruh 😂
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.