Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
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[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
*jazz hands*
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
reduce, reuse, recycle
Story time
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.