Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.

DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

[dinner]
prince eric:

ariel:

prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing

ariel: no no, not this crab

prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good

ariel: he was just a backup dancer

me: i made my first million by the age of 21

her: wow, a million dollars?!

me: no, mistakes

Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”

Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.