Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
You Might Also Like
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
My wedding will be open casket.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Saw your ex at the shops
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me