Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
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Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Every haunted house movie:
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs