Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.

Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.

Scammers: Hi!

Me: Not like that.

Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?

BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?

ME: no, it’s a Civic

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.

Her: “So, are you religious?”

Him: “I’m part Catholic.”

Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”

Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”

#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

who named him groot and not spruce lee

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.