Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

also my go-to takeaway order

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.

WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW

My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.