Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
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BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Have kids, they said
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email