Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.

The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly

My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time

He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!