Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
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*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.