Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
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Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*