Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.

DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him

THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that

DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?

I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus

My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”

Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot

Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster

Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!

😂

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

ME: I have crab like reflexes

DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes

ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what