Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”

*leans in for a kiss*

Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”

TRICERATOPS: I have three horns

QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio