Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

My kids, writing negative political ads:

Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.

Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.

Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.

[attending a lecture on kleptomania]

Me: *taking notes*

Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS

Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask

Sooo many times…..

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.

Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”

Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

Nobody:

Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.