Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

Got ya covered

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

#merica