Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”

Another day, another…goddammit

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot

[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.

Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.