[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
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Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.