Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

May your day taste like creamy soup.

Doctor: How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

*looks at you in batman voice*

*buys almond milk*

“I’m gonna get healthy!”

*drinks almond milk*

“This is gross.”

*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*

“Perfect.”

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

🏙👨🏼

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.

NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.