Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.

[grocery store]
Cashier: hi there

Customer: hello

Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

Trumpy Cat

In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!

Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

Go gym

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.