Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.

She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

One of the best

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

Things my dating coach and I are working on:

– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.