Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

mom gave me mine for free

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

Fight fire with water. Idiots.

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

#oldknees

He just like my cat fr

Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.

ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.