Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
![]()
You Might Also Like
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE