Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me

A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys

It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?

i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet

it’s the silliest best thing

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.