Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
You Might Also Like
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone
Wise advice
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Me: This job seems really dangerous!
Him: The last three didn’t think so God rest their souls
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
*Discussing the school nativity play*
Me: Who’s Mary?
7: She’s Jesus’s mum.
Me: Yes, who’s playing her.
7: Dunno.
Me: Who’s Joseph?
7: He’s Mary’s husband.
Me:
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
You’re never alone. Theres mold
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Got my shingles shot. Just to be safe, I got one against vinyl siding too.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.