Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?

God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store

genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”

*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”

*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order