Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.

Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need

“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.

Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man

Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-

Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.

Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

◾️

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.

Fails drug test.

Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.

even bears disappoint their mothers

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.