Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

I fought the law* and the law* won.

*duvet cover

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

All set.

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work

I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.