Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.

still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

Still laughing at this stupid meme

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.