Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

thinking about this

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

[operating room]

NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…

NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark

Wife: nonsense, we’re on land

*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”

“Do you believe in past lives?”

I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.