student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
You Might Also Like
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”