student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
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Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Real House Wines.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
how to market bottled water to dads
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.