student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
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Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next