Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
You Might Also Like
*when the villain in the movie has a PhD*
Viewers without a PhD: Ah, they are just saying he’s a smart villain. Makes sense.
Viewers with a PhD: Ah, grad school and academia drove him to madness. Makes sense.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
I am never leaving this website
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them