student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
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I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Would you wear it?
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.