student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
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GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?